recreation
Hi Ho Hi Ho
By: Josef Graf
Do you think when they asked Thomas Jefferson for his ID he just took out a nickel
from Musings
I cant for the life of me recall how I emerged from the haze of those days. But one (relatively) clear morning I awoke to the aspiration of leaving substances behind and a hankering to rejoin the establishment. In need of gainful employment I applied for office work. As luck would have it I submitted my dogeared coffeestained resume to the winner of the annual EmployerfromHell award.
Born and raised in Skinflint Michigan when Cuthbert M. Philbot read that you could feed a family of four in India for a hundred dollars a year he sent his whole family there. During the previous week there had been a slight problem at the office. Philbot had accidentally smiled and got a charley horse in his face. The company had a tough sick leave policy. There was no time off for illness or surgery. Death was accepted but you had to give three weeks notice.
In the waiting room I worked my way through an application. To Length of residence at present address I wrote About 30 feet not counting the porch. Where it said Tell us something about yourself I entered I like my coffee weak and my women strong. At the bottom where it said Sign here I scrawled Pisces.
When I finished I picked a copy of Jaws off the coffee table and began reading. Presently a distraught employee came out of the bosss office and I could hear Philbot trailing on Im sorry but if you take two hours for lunch today Ill have to do the same for every man whose wife gives birth to triplets.
I was in luck when a few moments later Philbot came out just in time to catch me off guard nose in the book rooting for the shark. He could see hed found the right man for a position on his team.
I want you to be happy here said Philbot giving me a quick tour of the office. If theres anything you need Ill show you how to get along without it. Oh and until further notice dont use the suggestion box. The handle is broken and it wont flush.
I was given my own office. It was small but private. Except when another employee barged in to ask for a broom.
The first day on the job I came off as a real trendsetter. I was the first one in the office to wear purple and white shoes. Then I lost the white one. But clothes to me are easy come easy go. Ever since Id heard someone say Whenever Im down in the dumps I buy new clothes I knew where Id be doing most of my shopping.
Settling in I hammered away on my computer keyboard. Within a few moments I had to
Funny stuff archive requisition a new keyboard as the hammer had quickly rendered the first one to a collage of plastic art. This time bowing to convention I used my fingers. I entered data steadily through the day. Round about three oclock a colleague dropped by saw what I was doing and informed me that while it was certainly energy efficient to work the way I was it would be more productive to turn the power on first.
Thanking him for the tip I once again modified my approach. I did not feel bad however about the lost time. Although I can produce about 90 words a minute in my own language if youre going to be picky and ask me to type readable copy then it falls to about seven words tops. Had I been more adept I would no doubt have felt devastated at the loss of significant production.
Changing horses I spent the rest of the day filing. By five oclock with virtually no nails left I punched out.
The second morning I arrived fifteen minutes late for work. Why are you late Philbot asked.
I fell down a flight of steps I replied.
It doesnt take fifteen minutes to fall down a flight of steps growled Philbot.
That day in a bid to improve efficiency I undertook a little research project of my own. It didnt take long to verify my conjecture that too many clients were creating a high level of stress resulting in lower production. I took to the phone and by early afternoon had disposed of over 70% of the companys clientele.
I waxed creative informing some clients that we were going bankrupt others that we were facing a class action suit and could no longer remain above ground with our operations. Still others learned from me that we were downsizing and had to drop the ballast.
By days end a great sense of ease pervaded the office. With the workload drastically reduced we now had some much needed breathing space. I prepared memos soliciting suggestions for our newly allotted recreation time and recommended a shorter workweek as well as significantly expanded vacations.
I damn near made it to the end of the week. Although I had carefully concealed my identity by signing all my outgoing memos with the handle of one of my altaregos The Count of Bondaglio
I sensed the bosss suspicion mount with the following little masterslave interchange:
Philbot: I notice that you come to work late every morning.
Me: Yes but youll also notice that I leave early every afternoon!
That was enough to terminate my residency in Office City Illinois though I suppose I should also mention in passing that Philbott had discovered I had pawned my computer equipment and replaced it with a miniJacuzzi.
View more of Hebert Flabeau on the Earth Vision site.
Josef Graf is the coordinator of Insight21 and Earth Vision presenting answers for the 21st Century.
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